This blog is an experiment...

Like a lot of things going on in my life lately, this blog is an experiment, and hopefully a successful one.

It's an experiment in being "open" (but not specifically about being "out"). I'm hoping to use this place to open up about things that are important, scary, sexy, and playful to me, but that I can't share in any of my other social media areas.

For the most part, I expect I'll be writing a lot about kink. Writing publicly (aliased of course) about kink is thrilling to me, even if no one ever reads this. And not in an "exhibitionist" sort of way (I don't think that's one of my kinks, although I'm open to evolving), but in a "I'm telling the world something of my new truth!" sort of way.

These last few weeks, for example, have been spectacular in terms of how much I've discovered about myself, my relationship with my partner, kink and polyamory.

I feel like it all started when somehow I managed to convince myself it was okay to open up to my partner about the fact that I develop very strong infatuations with and crushes on pretty much anyone I come to care about. These feelings vary in intensity, and I've experienced them all my life. My pattern for making friends for a very long time has been to fall in love with them a little bit (okay sometimes a LOT of little bit), develop a lot of emotional intimacy (and frequently physical intimacy) before finally settling into some version of friendship that feels very permanent and lasting.

Up until recently, I thought I had to hide these feelings from him. I felt like they were a kind of cheating. I worked very hard to keep my feelings at bay, under wraps, only indulging in fantasy in the deepest, darkest corners of my brain.

But then I gradually began to open up more to him about these experiences.  At first it was vague about crushes in general, and admiring beautiful people from afar.  And I encouraged him to tell me about crushes on people he must surely have. And then gradually, I admitted to having "crush-like symptoms" (I couldn't yet think of it as something harmless) on some mutual friends, and to my utter joy and disbelief, he was happy to hear about this. Supportive of it even. Encouraged me to feel these feelings.

At more than a few points (these conversations took days) he even shared things about my crushes in order to essentially encourage me to explore those feelings... He shared things that I never would have expected him to share, all in this playful way of encouraging me not to feel ashamed/anxious about feeling this way.  That took me a while to sort of process.

But once I got over the surprise/shock/bafflement that his reaction was so positive, I realized this: the bottom line was that he trusts me to have these feelings, and to explore them as much as I'd like to.  He's not threatened by the thought of me falling in love or in lust with additional people.

It's an amazing feeling... and it was a major turning point for me, and for us, and sort of made all kinds of things start to tumble out of me over the next few days/weeks.

Hopefully some of that will make it into this blog. And some of the new stuff will also make it into this blog in the future. :)

Read at your own risk, of course.